Issues:
No clean underwear for husband.
No milk, soap and/or tp. Basic staples.
Labradoodle gets dreads.
Estelle's underwear is so small she has a wedgie.
Charles gets more stitches than FF in the Burning Bed from unsupervised play.
Merritt gets diaper rash from 3-hour rides in car.
Small but normal signs of spreading yourself too thin... Today was entirely something else.
I usually try not to bring more than one kid to ANY client's house or seamstress pick up. One is manageable. You can bribe them and all is good. Two or more...not so much. Well, today was an exception. I had 2 yr. old M:
in the back and swung by to pick up 5 yr. old C:
from Montessori. We head to my sweet seamstress' house... I pull up in my once stolen and once totalled Suburban. I jet in to quickly pay my bill and pick up my pillows. I return to the car. C has unbelted M and they are running around the car. Movie on, windows open with this ungroomed and bearded dog hanging out the window.
With the FROG on the passenger seat (longer story)...the grand dame decorator of town pulls up JUST THEN to pick up her order. She meets me and bursts out laughing. Me...circus on wheels...just trying to keep it together long enough to sell some pillows. I graciously meet and fleet. I catch a glimpse of her laughing in my rearview. She says she's been in my shoes long ago but I am not so sure... Humiliated, I leave...headed to my favorite client's house to drop off the loot. She is supposed to be at a hair appt. My plan is to leave The Bee Movie on in the car and jet in, drop off the pillows, snap a pic and jet out. Client is home. Pull up. Turn key off. She comes over and LOOKS INSIDE MY CAR!
I get out. Run in with pillows. Look out giant picture window. See Charles and Merritt unbuckled roaming freely in car. See Merritt double over open window. Run down stairs. YELL AT CHARLES. Save Merritt. Fix hair. Look at client with tight strained smile. RUN back in house. Labradoodle barking furiously for no apparent reason. Snap QUICK picture of perfectly calm household free of boogers and shoe scuffs. Momentarily drift off into fantasy of enjoying THIS---
Run back out. Charles has fished out old warm Coke from back of car. Opens it and puts on console. Truly Scrumptious (inbred Labradoodle) leaps over console and spills Coke (future fly paper) everywhere. Hide Coke spill from client by soaking up Coke spill with special Bon Point blanket from France. Leave to buy 90 crickets for frog same client gave me yesterday (Hopper).
Came home and poured this:
OMG. Strangely I might get up and do it all over again tomorrow.
That is my everyday, too. 3 kids, trying to run a business. Brings me a BIG smile that I am not alone, can you imagine that we once had clean cars, clean homes and we were horrfied by the way strangers allowed their children to rule their lives?? Tomorrow they'll do something PERFECT and it will all be worth it ;) thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteOh ack, Jen, we are all so totally with you!!!! I am dreaming of that perfect life, too, where kids hair is combed, son is not throwing temper tantrums, and I manage to get one room fully decorated. sigh.
ReplyDeleteBrings back memories! xv
ReplyDeleteThe title of your post is perfect. I believe the decorator - you're not alone. Amidst your wild and crazy day I couldn't help but notice the gorgeous pink velvet bench in your living room! Have a great weekend. Michele
ReplyDeleteOk, this was the funniest thing I have read in so long. I feel as if you could be my best friend. I own a design firm and do not have kids, but can trash my car on my own. How is that for embarrasing. I roll up in a full size Escalade, open the door and stuff just falls out. I know that every designer was a bag lady in their past life. Thank you for a laugh!!!!
ReplyDeleteJust a question/observation? Is that real homemade jam on M's face, that you made yourself. Cause if it is, we all know you've gone nuts. Keep up the pace. You do great work.
ReplyDeleteYou're funny! If it makes you feel better, I have three kids, no business, and sometimes when we open car doors, things fall out. Makes us feel like the Joads.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time here and I'm so glad I stopped by! This is funny shiz and strangely the inside of your car looks exactly like the inside my car.
ReplyDeleteI like a girl who can look beyond boogers - straight to happy hour.
ReplyDelete