A Little Hanky Panky

I was awoken a few weeks ago by the ding of my iphone announcing

that morning's One King's Lane sale. I've done my time over there. I've both

bought and sold through them. All of them were great experiences. By now, though,

the newness of it all had worn off a bit...until I rolled over and saw that it was a

CHRISTOPHER SPITZMILLER LAMP SALE. 

Not everybody gets the prices lure of those lamps but when you

see them. You get it. They are GORGEOUS and I could always use more.

So, I threw off my covers and shot up like a rocket.

I leapt out of bed in my underwear. My little underwear.

I had yet to master sprinting while dressing so I just sprinted.

Without dressing. To my computer. 

I knew that I was not alone. There were women everywhere at their computers right then. Just like me. Trying to score a lamp or two. By the time I logged on, though, almost all of my favorite lamps were taken. I kept refreshing the page over and over. The lamps jumped in and out. They shifted their weight around in those virtual baskets. I still wasn't having any luck. I knew I was silently dueling women richer than me. Engaging in retail wrestling with anonymous women in bigger houses with bigger visas. With clothes on. At last, though, I sunk my claws into one. The dragon serpentine lamp. One of my favorites. It was in my cart and I had 10 minutes to secure the deal. The intimidating timer started. My box was ticking and not in a good way. I jumped up and raced to the entry in my hanky pankies...looking for my purse. I couldn't find it. Crap. I streaked passed my giant picture window. Once. Then twice. Jesus. To any early morning dog walker outside my house this square suburban housewife looked a lot like a desperate breakfast tart. Or something. In tiny hanky panky underwear. All 135 125 pounds of me. With 8 minutes left on the clock I was still wallet-less. I raced upstairs. Where was my wallet? Where was my god damn purse? With my wallet? 6 minutes left. Did I need the lamp? Quiet. Was there time to process the fact that I didn't need the lamp? Denial. 5 minutes left. Downstairs. Sprinting. I passed the window. Again. A mere 4 minutes left. Then less. To the door. No purse. Down the hall. No purse.

ANYBODY SEEN MY PURSE???

Anybody? 

Not even you...with the bird's eye view?

At last...to the benches. There was my purse. With my credit card. 

So...with flushed cheeks... I finally bought the lamp.

The dragon serpentine lamp.

From One King's Lane. In my underwear. Thanks, you clever little ladies.

So, I'm done for awhile...unless my iphone dings
me for a hanky panky sale. Then, of course, I'm back in.